Ambivalence of Emotions
by bbubblebee
Summary: Style One-Shot.  Kyle thought that Stan loved him, but now he believes Stan will never stop loving Wendy. He is traumatised and alone with no-one to save him from freezing to death. Will this be the end of Kyle or is he wrong about Stan?


**A/N: They're all around 17**

**Ambivalence of Emotion**

**~ A Style One-Shot**

I rang the doorbell then stepped back, my arms wrapped around me and my new game. Small white dots of snow fell quickly, each burning my skin like red hot flakes of ash. My breath, frozen in front of me, flew upwards as the door opened. I saw Stan standing at the entrance, looking down on my and noticing the game I held. He smiled and opened the door, "Is that the new CoD game?" he asked. I stepped in, brushed the snow off my jacket and smiled back.

"Yeah, I just got it. Thought I'd bring it round and we could try it out." I walked round to where their TV was and crouched down. I quickly switched round the scart cable to the Xbox and turned it on. After a couple of seconds I put in the new game. I grabbed two of the controllers and sat down. Stan was still standing though, staring at me with a sheepish smile.

"Dude, what's up?" He walked round and sat next to me, his face was lowered and his eyes were darting around the room.

With a sigh Stan looked up at me and brushed his black hair out of his eyes. "Well...it's about Wendy." He directed his eyes down again while I stared at him in disbelief.

"I thought you'd already broken up with her." I said, staring at him. He lowered his shoulders down into an apologetic stance.

"I was...but...well she just came round right now, and I was going to tell her, but she'd bought me a gift and - I didn't." Stan still didn't look at me.

I should've known.

"Oh. Ok then. Well if that's the situation." I turned my head towards the TV and started a new game. I heard a sigh from Stan and felt him turn his torso towards me.

"C'mon Kyle, it's not that big a deal!" he shrugged his shoulders like that would solve everything.

Stan didn't understand. He didn't realise the sacrifices I'd made and the immense pain I'd felt over him. I'd had to change everything for him. All he had to do was tell Wendy to fuck off. That was it.

But he didn't do it. He ignored every prompting I'd given him. He'd just shuffle his feet awkwardly and say 'oh, but look! She's so happy, I-I can't do it now...'

So I gave him time. And more time. Each and every time he'd had the chance I'd think to myself 'oh he'll do it next time for sure.'

But no.

And a part of me knew he never would.

"Look, Kyle, I promise I'll break up with her. I don't have any feelings for her, I swear!" His voice was pleading and I desperately wanted to believe him, but he'd had a month to break up with her. A month!

"If you had no feelings for her you would've just told her in school or something. It's not like you haven't seen her! You see her ALL the time! Just, get Bebe to do it or something; that's what she used to do!" I felt my shoulders hunch up and my neck stiffen. I continued to select game settings.

Stan turned his torso back towards his TV and joined me in fiddling with the settings.

There was a short pause between us until: "Will you tell her for me?" I stopped clicking buttons but still didn't turn towards him.

I left him hanging for a short while. "I know you don't want me to." I said.

"Why'd you say that?" He questioned and I felt a small fire of anger swell up in my chest and I turned to face him.

My brown eyes were wild.

"Because you don't want to break up with her! I know you Stan! Better than you know yourself! You love Wendy Testaburger and you always will!" I shoved the controller away from me onto the floor, stood up and stormed out of the sitting room, through his hall and out of his front door, right on down the street.

The air outside was bitterly cold and it stung my throat with every breath. The winds howled as they brought down new snow that layered on top of the old. I closed my eyes and just felt the coldness, letting it take the place of the real pain that I was feeling. I knew it; I'd known it all along. What Stan and I had done wasn't out of love. It was Stan experimenting. I'd been a fool, thinking that he loved me. That rat-faced bitch.

**XXX**

I walked through the town, towards nowhere. I felt tears coming on, but simply blinked them away. I wasn't going to cry over Stan, not even if he lay dead on the ground. After a couple of minutes I stopped to a halt.

I'd subconsciously walked myself to South Park Elementary. I stuttered, feeling as though my lungs had been squeezed out of all the air. I hadn't been here in over 4 years.

It looked exactly the same – the sickly yellow walls and the garish purple roof. The dirty plastic windows were closed with snow building up on the window sills. The long blue sign that announced it was 'South Park Elementary' was faded, the cracked blue paint flaking off the sign, revealing the bare pale wood underneath.

The path towards the wooden double doors was much shorter than before. In fact, the whole school was smaller.

I cried then. I knelt down on the pavement, clutched my face in my hands and let the tears stream down my face onto the white floor below. My body jerked with each sob as I remembered how life used to be. It was always me and Cartman throwing endless insults, Kenny enlightening us with the meaning of dirty words and laughing at things that we didn't understand at the time.

And...me and Stan.

It was always us. We were the closest out of all four of us. We'd do everything together. Whenever pairs were being picked we always knew we wouldn't be that last loser at the end, staring with grief at the couples around them. We could always rely on the other. It was always 'oh don't worry, Stan's here!'

I continued crying silently, letting my throat choke itself on tears, ignoring the salty taste as they dripped into my mouth, living with the headache that felt like it was squeezing my brain to death.

This point in my life was the first that I genuinely felt like killing myself. There was nothing left. No Cartman, no Kenny...no Stan.

I curled up into a ball on the sidewalk, resting on my side, clutching my legs and pulling closer. The snow on the ground burnt my bare skin but I didn't care. I cried and rocked myself.

There was no-one around, but I don't think it would've changed anything. My mind felt like it was so solitary that I wouldn't notice people.

That was good...I think. I wasn't sure. Maybe I wanted people to come and see me and ask me what was wrong. Maybe it would be better if someone at least pretended to care.

I left that trail of thought there.

My mind was silent and my sobs had reduced to quiet whimpers. I was so cold and tired that I simply didn't have the energy to even cry.

My tears dried up pretty soon and I was left with a throbbing headache, dry tears across my cheeks and a raw throat.

As I remained still and silent on the snowy sidewalk my body grew weaker and I felt the immense feeling of fatigue wash through me. My muscles weren't hurting – they had died. They had withered away, leaving only stale throbbing slabs of tissue in their place.

My head hurt like hell. With the fatigue, all the neurons had stopped working against the pain and instead let themselves be engulfed by it.

But, eventually, even pain subdued itself, leaving in its place a rotting corpse that was my brain. It felt calmly fetid.

I lay in the snow for a long time. I didn't move at all. I didn't keep track of time. I don't even know whether I was conscience or not.

**XXX**

I was brought back to the real world with the call of my name, "Kyle!"

I didn't stir. My body didn't even completely register that 'Kyle' was me. It felt as though Kyle was an empty shell that I was trapped in.

"Kyle...Please!" the voice grew desperate. "Please..." the last word was a choked sob.

The voice was so sad that I had to move. I could tell that the person was as depressed as I was.

Once I'd come to grips with the fact I was going to move, I immediately registered the voice. No, I wasn't going to answer to him.

"Stan..." the words came as an involuntary reflex to the sound of Stan's voice. I mentally scolded myself. I didn't want him!

"Kyle!" Stan's voice was hopeful. I could tell from his footsteps that he was still pacing round the middle of the road. I must've had more snow on me than I thought.

"...Stan..." there it came again. I really didn't want to see him though! I didn't want anything to do with that mangy dickhead.

Suddenly I felt strong arms hook under my armpits and pull me up into a standing position. A small pile of snow fell off me, onto the bare silhouette that I'd left on the sidewalk.

Without warning Stan kissed me. He wrapped his hands around my coat and pulled me in close.

In his kiss I could feel all the emotions he had, of a desperate longing and a deprived heart. His touch was crushing against my dry, cold lips and I could tell my body needed him.

His mouth was warm and breathed life into me. I felt my mind starting to work once more.

I immediately kissed back, using the little energy I had and that Stan was giving me, to tell him of my emotions, of the hurt and the betrayal.

As I had used up all the remaining energy I had, causing my body to fall onto him. He immediately supported my weight and enclosed me in an embrace with his strong arms. I heard him give a choked sob.

My body was weak and numb, my brain wasn't fully working and my face was so cold that the freezing air felt like blistering fire.

Stan stared at me with a look of both seeing something breathtakingly beautiful and completely horrific at the same time.

"Oh, my beautiful Kyle..." He murmured. If I had been more conscience then I would've felt a thrill at the possessiveness he used. He placed a strong hand on my back to support my flimsy spine and another he wrapped round under one of my arms and onto my other shoulder.

My head fell involuntary onto his shoulder and I expected him to casually push it back, but instead he cradled it and whispered into my ear, "Kyle...you stupid, beautiful boy."

With one swift movement he hooked his arm under my knees and lifted me up so he was carrying me, like grooms did their wives after getting married.

He moved my head that was currently lolled backwards onto his chest. It was so warm there, but it didn't burn my skin. I breathed in the sweet smell of Stan and felt like crying again.

The smell was so nostalgic! It smelt like my childhood.

"...Stan..." my voice croaked and Stan looked down at me.

"Yes Kyle, I'm here." Stan's deep blue eyes looked down on my pale face and curly red hair that was sticking out from under my hat. His expression was hopeful and concerned.

"Am..." I started but it resulted in violent coughing. Stan quickly rested his head on mine and made a calming 'shhh' noise.

"Don't speak. We'll be home soon." I nuzzled my head into his fleece and let him walk me home. I was so tired, cold and completely famished.

"Am I a better kisser than Wendy?" I whispered and felt him chuckle.

"Oh Kyle. You stupid, jealous, beautiful boy. Yes. Wendy is shit at kissing." He said and I smiled.

I didn't know what to think. Every single action Stan had taken before pointed to the conclusion that he still loved Wendy, but now it felt as though we were the only people in the world.

I loved it.

I wasn't completely sure that this was permanent but I didn't force my mind over it. I let it believe it was and that Stan loved me more than anything in the world.

As that thought passed I heard my heart beating. Apparently that thought had given it energy.

"Kyle?" Stan said tentatively. I turned my head slightly so my mouth wasn't completely obscured by his jacket.

"Yes Stan?" I asked quietly. In my mind he was about to say 'I love you'.

"You know that you're a complete ass-hole right?" His face was serious and I blinked in confusion.

"...No..." I said sheepishly. At this point I was very confused and half expected him to drop me.

"Well you are. You stormed out without hearing my side of the story then decided to freeze yourself to death. Do you hate me? Did you realise that you leaving would completely tear me apart?" Stan's voice was calm but I knew him very well. I knew that he was fuming.

"I honestly...didn't Stan," I muttered. "I thought you didn't love me."

Stan stopped to an abrupt halt. "What? Kyle how could you possibly think that?"

"I figured that you'd just never break up with Wendy...and that you'd just leave me for her." I coughed and saw Stan smile like I was a complete idiot.

"Oh Kyle. You stupid, stupid beautiful boy," He lent down and kissed my forehead with love. "I thought you said you knew me. I thought you knew why I found it hard to break up with Wendy!" He smiled and I realised what he meant. Wendy was a huge part of Stan's life. They'd had an on/off relationship ever since 3rd Grade. But I knew that he didn't love her. He loved me.

"I know now." I murmured and closed my eyes. I was too tired to talk anymore. Stan smiled and continued walking home.

**A/N: I found this quite challenging and would love some constructive criticism :) also I always REALLY appreciate feedback! I wasn't sure the snow part worked, but I'd love to hear your views! Thanks!**

**-Bbubblebee**


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